| Michael |
[Jun. 13th, 2010|04:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Michael wasn't always important to me. He was always there, I knew who he was, and I knew that he was a big deal. But he wasn't always important to me personally. My mom says that when my brother and I were kids we insisted on watching Thriller, even though is scared the crap out of us. I remember seeing the short film for "Ghosts" and thinking it was amazing when I was a little older. I remember when he came out on stage with Nsync I yelled "HOLY SHIT ITS MICHAEL JACKSON" and getting really excited to see him. I remember watching his 30yr anniversary special and thinking he was amazing. I don't remember any of the bad things, I don't even remember if people I knew made fun of him, though they must have considering how common it is.
I never owned an album. I never knew the lyrics to his songs. I never thought about Michael.
The day Michael Jackson passed away was the day my life changed. My brother was the one that told me. I had gotten off work early that day for a doctors appointment, on the way home I heard on the radio about Farah Fawcett. It made me sad to hear she had passed but I had been hearing for awhile on the news that the end might be coming for her. As I was sitting in my room doing my usual web surfing I heard a knock at my door. My brother poked his head into my room and he said the words that hit me so unexpectedly hard "Michael Jackson just died". I remember that moment perfectly, its seems like just a few months ago. He walked out of my room and I chased him I yelled "What do you mean he's dead!? How do you just say something like that to someone and not explain yourself!?!" he simply said "Its all over the news".
I ran back in my room and turned on my tv. I opened up ONTD and TMZ because it just had to be a lie. There was no way Michael Jackson was dead. I was pretty sure he was still fairly young, I hadn't even heard anything about him in years. This was Michael Jackson though..how..how could he die? What happened? It didn't make any sense, I was so confused and so sad. I followed the news as it was breaking, watched as the internet stopped on a dime and every social networking site I was apart of crashed completely as millions of people ran to the internet to find out if this news was true.
Everything is kind of a blur from there. I remember sites coming back up, reading peoples thoughts and comments. I remember work the next day and how my coworkers were playing Michael for everyone to hear before the Team Leads got in for the day. Everyone was talking about him, everyone was remembering him. Local radio stations played his music all day. I bought "The Essential Michael Jackson" a few days later, when the music began to die down on the radio and I wanted to keep hearing his voice.
I wanted to learn everything I possibly could about him. I went from following ONTD party posts, to joining Shamone_ontd and reading everything people provided about him. I bought all of his albums and listened to him exclusively for at least 5 months after we lost him. I fell madly in love with this man. I am a passionate person when I find things that interest me, I became extremely passionate about Michael.
Michael has taught me so much. I've learned so much about myself and the world around me by looking at it through his eyes. I'm sad that I missed him while he was here, but I am so glad that I have him now. I am grateful to Michael for all that his life has given me, finding him has made my life better. I get to experience the joy of all of his work, and I have met the most amazing people in the whole entire world. I never thought I would find friends like you all, his love and his life brought us all together. He was too good for this world, and we took him for granted, but I plan to remember him for the rest of my life and make sure my children remember him too.
I know as that day gets closer that a lot of my friends are devastated. I am sad and I miss him so much, but I'm thankfully doing ok. I don't know what that day will be like for me but I think I might make it through alright. I think maybe I am handling it well because I have lost someone extremely close to me before. My grandma practically helped raise me my entire life and she died in 2007. She was a big part of my life and losing her broke my whole family for awhile. I think going through that better equipped me to dealing with grief and loss. I know that I will not only be thinking of Michael, but of all of you when that day rolls around. Trying to send you all a little bit of strength and love.
He is gone, and that is so horrible, but we have each other now. We have shoulders to cry on and friends who understand and love us in ways we may never have had before.
So this is my Michael story. And this is me saying that I love you and I am here for you all. |
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| Ugh |
[Mar. 18th, 2010|02:15 pm] |
I cannot for the life of me figure out how to be fashionable. I think big girls who know how to look hot are the most awesome people, I just don't understand how to dress my body. I want more than anything to be able to wear dresses, especially now that the warmer months are coming. Dresses don't lay right on my body, and since I have a small chest and all clothes for heavy people are built with big chests in mind it becomes a problem. Plunging neck lines are on everything and it drives me crazy, I don't have anything even close to cleavage and anything with a v-neck makes the top of my bra show. And this is in a bra that actually is under wire with structured cups that make my boobs look way bigger than they are. I'm pretty sure I am a small B but with my band size the cups are always bigger than my boobs so I have to wear the structured cups or my clothes look wrinkly around my chest. Buying a bra is absolute hell.
Shoes are a big problem too, I know cute shoes are an important part of an outfit. My feet are big and wide, barely a cute shoe has ever been made in my size. Its all just so frustrating! I have big feet, a small chest, huge ass/hips and a tummy. How do I work with this? What do I do to make it look good? I just want to go out and know I look cute in something for once.
I blame this diet I am on. Its not even so much a diet as I am eating healthier but its making me think so much about my body and how it looks. I feel way bigger than I am because I am more aware of my weight and its giving me serious self esteem issues. I have always had the clothing problem though. The weight is coming off, some things aren't as tight and a couple pairs of pants feel like they will fall right off, so its good. I just want to feel pretty at the size I am now, my self esteem is so low right now I don't even want to be in pictures. I've never felt like that before.
I guess I am just having a down day about my weight and stuff. Hopefully getting this out will help. I'm gonna go work out now. |
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| Really worth a read, a wonderful speech MJ gave in 2001 |
[Jul. 28th, 2009|04:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
Heal The Kids - Oxford Speech
( We can make the world a better place )
I've been thinking about the fact that he did so much good for the world and wanted so much good for the world. I feel like now that he is gone its up to his fans to pick up where he left off and try to make the world a better place.
I've also been feeling like its up to fans to make others who want to mock him understand that he was not some evil villain. He was just a man who lived a very complicated life. He wasn't a freak who hated his own race and molested children. He loved children because he felt they are the most important thing in our society and a few malicious people manipulated that love and his trust for their own gain. The man was found innocent, stop calling him a child molester.
He never hated his own race, he was a proud black man who was sadly afflicted with a skin disease that stole all the pigmentation from his skin. Over the years the makeup he used to cover the widespread depigmentation of his skin was lightened as the depigmentation spread. If you look at any hi-res photo of Michael from 1983 on you can find evidence of his vitiligo. Even in recent years spots of darker color can been seen on his arms. He had plastic surgery on his nose because he was made fun of for it by his father and had low self esteem, not because he wanted to look "white". Unfortunately Michael had a very bad self image, and was raised in a world where he was not allowed to grow and develop like any normal child would. His talent alone made him different. The fact that people use a disease he couldn't control to ridicule and belittle him is disgusting.
He was not a freak, he was not a pedophile, he was not any of the many negative things people called him. He was a man, he was a man who grew up in impossible and strange circumstances that none of us could ever fathom. He spent 45 of his 50 years on this earth entertaining us and sharing his gift with the world. He spent considerable time and money dedicating himself to charitable causes and trying to change the world even though so many in it judged him harshly and hurt him. He was a man that we could all learn a lot from. And most importantly he was a father that loved his children very much. You can say what you want about the possible paternity of those children, but Michael Jackson was their father. He raised, loved, taught and cared for them and they will always know him as their daddy.
There is a terrible problem in this world where we assume the very worst of those around and us and need to have them prove to us that they are good. The media gets higher ratings with stories that assume and try to support the worst in our natures. We live in an age where you can't trust the media, they are more about ratings than reporting facts. They pander to the perceived mindset of their target audience and twist and tilt news stories to fit their points of view and needs. No one reported all of the good works that Michael did. No one reported about his love for his fans and the wonderful things he did for them. "Wacko Jacko" got more ratings, talking about how weird he was as opposed to how kind and generous he was got more viewers. Not to mention anything to do with him and children was reported in such a tone that you could hear the implied "child molester".
I guess what I am getting at is, that looks are really very deceiving and you have to try to get all the facts Not just believe whatever you are told. There is nothing wrong with assuming that people are generally good and treating them with respect and kindness. Jumping to conclusions ruins lives and can mean you miss out on a lot. I think the negative view of this world deprives us of a lot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2009|09:23 am] |
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I am just really uncomfortable today. |
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| Whew, close one. |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|04:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
So good news, not preggers!
Must be some sort of stomach bug. Because I am still feeling very weird and queasy. I feel like I'm gonna throw up at random points of the day.
*sigh* I've been very unhealthy and I have to find my way out of it. I find it very hard to motivate myself and make myself make healthy choices, let alone lose weight. Lately though I've just felt..bad. I get sore really easy and I feel sluggish and tired. Charles has been losing a lot of weight and he is doing really well, I want to be able to keep up with him and have a normal, healthy, active relationship.
I just feel like no matter how hard I try I've done this so many times before and I have always failed. Something has got to give, I am getting way too big. |
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| TWEET TWEET! |
[Mar. 29th, 2009|08:14 pm] |
I have gotten myself a twitter account, I don't update this much and thought I might use that more. I'm still going to use my LJ, because I love my LJ and never abandon it *cuddles the LJ*
Anyone else use twitter? |
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| Justin and I are achieving Gay World Domination...at least in my house. |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|09:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Things my father, who is still a bit uncomfortable with homosexuality has said in the past two days...
Sunday night: He looked at my brother and said "Oh really Miss Thing?"
Monday morning: On my way out of the house my father looked me dead in the eye, posed a little and said "You betta work!" I almost didn't make it out of the door I was laughing so hard.
Justin and I couldn't be happier with these developments in our life. We are gaying our parents up. lol
We've been listening to Gay Pimping with Jonny McGovern way too much. ^.^ |
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